G(l)owing in the dark!
“With no other light or guide than the One that burned in my Heart.” – St. John of the Cross
“I don’t know why I’m here, but I’m Here.” With these words I enter the darkness. Questioning myself: what it always is in case of these happenings? Somehow I feel drawn to go for something and once in the experience, there’s always this point of questioning: “Why was it again that I Am doing this?”
I cannot think of what is felt. It’s this something beyond that brings us in these experiences, and always gives us exactly what needs to be right now. Why? That cannot be answers rationally. It simply happens because it is happening… And the feeling of ‘rightness’ which comes with what is happening, tells a lot about if we are on the right track (or not)…
So far there has never been a moment in retreat or meditation that felt like ‘not right’ for me though. Somehow it always gives a touch of rightness, more clarity and rest in One Self…
And That exact experience is what is naturally calling me back. And explaines kind of the why of what I’m doing 🙂
Going in the dark Entering the dark retreat space for the first time during an introductory tour at The Hermitage, just filled me with calmness, stillness… I immeditately knew I was about to enter here very soon. I just felt so drawn to Be there.
The days before, just wrapped me in this longing to go ‘IN’ and it became stronger day by day. It even made me decide to go in a day earlier than planned – just because I could, and I couldn’t imagine myself to wish for anything other than that.
So Here I Am. Covered in darkness and funny enough, as I Am sitting here…really…there’s not much of a difference. Except from taking away the sense of sight, I still feel every aspect of my whole presence. All is functioning exactly as it did before. All is still there, I Am Here. And the Mind defenitely too.
Yes or No The Mind. That’s the only thing which is coping with the idea that there’s a difference now. So it comes up with anything it can imagine to confirm it’s own existene.
One moment it thinks like this and the next moment it thinks about the same topic completely different. It never seems good as it is: when I’m in the bed, it want’s to be sitting and meditate. When I’m sitting down to meditate it wants to be doing no-thing. The most rare thing now is – absolutely no-thing needs to be done. Except from Being here I allowed anything to be just as it is. All can be, no must at all for what so ever. Even if that would mean I would sleep for the whole four days that I’m here. And that’s freedom (right?). Though that’s not what It felt like.
Thoughts about ‘What Am I doing Here’, and ‘why would One be in this space, when there’s so much to live for out there?’ just starting to fill up the space, causing a tremendous energy force in me, which really wants to make me getting out of here. The funny thing is the realization, that while Being outside, the only thing I really wanted was Being inside.
Not This, not That. That’s the Mind’s play. It just wants always exactly what it cannot. And It doesn’t matter one bit. Catching my Self in the middle of this Mind dramatic moment’s, just breaks the ice. A smile appears in the realization that it is all just a game. Like it is with every thing: there’s always a choise – Yes or No. But does it really matter what we choose? There’s a Buddhist expression which answers to this: Neti Neti – Not This, not That. Yes or no. Left or right. This or That. It’s about non of the rational answers we could come up with.
Being just fully present in the midst of all these choises at any given moment, that brings in the Light! That is what makes us glow…no matter how dark the darkest night will be. We will find our way!
With a Cuddle & a Kiss,